The Fucking Awesome Theory

you don’t have to be perfect
you're fucking awesome
consistently so
that's all it takes
everybody deserves somebody who thinks they're fucking awesome
and anyone who doesn't think so, tough crap for them
because it only takes one.
no sense in wasting time wondering why he didn't like you
the answer is that
he just didn't realize you were fucking awesome
and that's his problem, not yours
it's hard to rationalize, but you have to believe it, in almost a militant way,
because it's true and life is short and you're too great to spend a second doubting it
please trust me on this one.

(THANK YOU to Lauren Antonian for instilling this in me; I am eternally your evangelist on all things love)

On Giving it Away

Faith is beautiful when it flows
through the hairline needs of a
cracked soul

a peace that will make sure
i don't land too hard to miss the lesson,
after a backwards, soundless freefall,
sometimes provoked, sometimes voluntary.

i should have given you mine all along
instead of harvesting it in the thankless,
hopeless who fit it nicely in the crevices of their soles
and returned it to me molded and subdued

please take it and don't look back
use it well, like i know you will,
for you have earned every last drop.

Two heads = NOT better

People don't like people
who need to win
every time

People like respect,
humble and fair,
like the man who has devoted himself
to inspiration divine.

"for if they enter here, filled with hate,
let our song fill their souls so there is no more room for hate"

Yes, you won this one
but you lost me
just like every time.

I hope you don't expect congratulations.

when will I learn that I do know best?

Having not listened to my better judgment, I went out last night despite my flu, only to come home and feel even worse. Having been home in bed until 5 pm, I remembered the reason why I left in the first place, why I always leave, and realized I made the right decision.

on chopped liver

I can be a bitch, then too nice, then brilliant then a fool all at once. And I will learn and struggle,

but you better bet I'll never make the same mistake twice.

The list

List of things I've been putting off:
Fix shoes
Buy iPhone cover
Take puzzle to grandma
Organize bills
New bed for ella

sheepish

I have not posted in a week. partly because, yes, i have faltered a couple of times. Let me try to remember what my challenge actions were this week-

*Finally got in touch with and spent time with another friend I had lost touch with for years. I am happy to have put a step towards rekindling our friendship. This made me realize that it is not always just about "clicking" with friends. It takes a big, consistent effort on both parts to carry on a friendship, especially when you don't have obvious life factors bringing out together, like being part of the same circle, or going to the same school.

*Bought a Lego set for my brother and I to spend some quality time together. Thought the time has not yet been spent, I know I did my part in reaching out and creating a thread for us to connect, and I know the Legos will soon be put to use. (Legos have a connection from our childhood)

*Went into work much earlier than usual to finish up a project deadline that I had set for myself. LOVED leaving at a freakishly early hour.

I've realized that most of my resolutions have been social. I think it takes a great deal of proactive effort to maintain relationships, which is easy to forget and take for granted. It usually does take one person reaching out because it's so easy to get caught up in daily life, that we forget how much the things that we consider to be "nice to have but ok to lose" could be so great if we acted on them. It might also mean that this is on the easier end of the spectrum of things I've been putting off... but then again, I've been putting it off for the same reasons as the more "difficult" things, so maybe not. I know myself enough to have an idea of which situations and people bring out the best in me. And often I forget that I need to surround myself with them to be on that track. When I need to remember how my best feels, it takes effort to remember to seek out the situation and people, instead of hope it shows up and be complacent when it doesn't.

*To me, being proactive is also about having difficult conversations that are easy to put off. I talked to my brother about how much it hurt me that he lied about a tournament he was competing in just so I wouldn't show up to watch him compete. It was a difficult conversation to have and he did not respond anywhere near what I would have liked to hear, but I know I did my part and I know it made an impact.

- more to come

On friendship

Today I went to dinner with a friend I keep meaning to see but never get around to. This particular friend has known me for nearly ten years. After an evening of laughter, I realized that friendships take work and the meaningful ones deserve to be fought fo, even if life brings you apart once in a while. And while friendships don't replace having one person who would do anything for you, it's lovely to know someone has your back and knows how to make you smile.

On accountability

Ok so I started my challenge today. Why? Because with things like this, there's nothing like accountability!! It's not a matter of weakness- I think we are far too forgiving of ourselves and able to justify anything in our own heads, including putting off being a better person. Because as long as eight hour workdays and endless errands need to be met, there is always tomorrow to improve ourselves. And the next day and the next day. And that is nothing to be ashamed of, unless the lesson never gets learned. Anyway, my challenge is to each day do one proactive thing, whether it's speaking my mind when I'd rather not or doing something I keep putting off. Today I went to look for a shower head for my grandma that I kept promising her. Though I haven't bought it yet bc it opened up bigger complications, I was able to move towards fixing her shower. And that is a great first step, if I may say so myself. :-) Let the climb begin!